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Michael Jackson Justice: Michael as a Father, My Father….

God: Reconnect to Him

The Conspiracy against God is about "The Word", and the profaning of His Holy Name within us. Adam fell in the garden, breaking the direct connection to God. Jesus, the "last Adam" was a quickening Spirit, the Word made Flesh, and the only one with whom we can re-establish our relationship with God. Michael's story is still unfolding. He is the one who is, is not. But Jesus is the only name given under heaven by which we must be saved. Many are trying to rewrite HIStory. We were given a help to instruct us. Learn more "here".

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Michael as a Father, My Father….


November 20, 2010 – Michael as a Father, My Own Father….


I wanted to write about this for over a week now and I thought Thanksgiving would be the perfect time.

Back a week ago, I had a really strange dream.  It reminded me of Michael in a lot of ways, but it was also heartbreaking because it epitomized the relationship I had with my father. 

In the dream, there was this huge loading dock that seemed to go on forever.  There were people gathered up on this loading dock.   There were a lot MORE people on the ground. 

I was on the ground with the crowd, looking for a way to get up to the loading dock.  You see, I had seen my father up there.  I could see him looking around, as if trying to scout out people he knew.

The only way to get up to level of the loading dock was a series of ramps at different intervals, connecting the top of the loading dock to the ground.  The ramps themselves were very steep, like a sliding board.  They reminded me of the ramps that freestyle stunt skiers would ski down in the Olympics, to launch them high into the air to do their twists and flips.

People were backing up as much as they could against the crowd to get a running start, then running up the ramp, just like a child taking the sliding board the wrong way on the playground.  Some got high enough to reach and grab onto the floor of the loading dock.  Some could get up on their own, others had their relatives or loved ones help them up and onto the dock.

I watched this for a few minutes.  I thought I could do it.  I drew back as far as I could against the crowd, and took off running.  I ran up the ramp and sure enough I succeeded in slapping my hands on the edge of the loading dock surface.  However, I did not have the body strength to do anything but pull myself up high enough to see my father over the edge.  I looked at him. He saw me.  I called to him.  He only stood there, watching me with this lost expression.

I lost my grip and tumbled down the ramp.  I rolled and then slid to a stop toward the bottom.  I got up, dusted myself off and backed up to the line of the crowd.  Others were in points in the process of attempting the same.  

My Sister and I Before the Tragedy


I took a deep breath and took off running.  I again got good speed and traction and I made it to the top of the ramp.  I grabbed onto the edge of the dock. This time I got my forearm up on the dock.  I see my father and wave toward him.  I call to him.  He stands there, not more than 30 feet away.   He sees me but he doesn’t move.  He is still with his arms at his side.  I reach toward him with my one free hand.  The look on his face is one of indecision.  He seems to want to reach out to me but he looks almost….afraid to reach out.  He lets me fall a second time.

I roll and bounce down the ramp.  Elbows, hips, knees getting scraped and bruised.  When I get to the bottom I stand.  I look toward the dock in disbelief.  He couldn’t even take a step?  Grab my hand and help me up?  Why was it that I always had to do all the work?  He didn’t even try!

I felt like crying.   Then I got angry.  I backed up against the crowd of people.  I saw my path.  I had a clear shot.  I took off running at top speed, up the ramp and to the edge of dock.   I was exhausted and sore but my anger this time got me chest-high against the edge.  I slapped both arms up on the surface and as I tried to get one leg up over the edge, my momentum was lost and I began to slide down.  My foot slipped off and I was again up to my chin.

“DAD!” I called out.  “Help me!”

He heard me and turned toward me again.  Standing at attention only his head moved.  It was almost as if he had no life in him until our eyes locked.  I was losing my grip on the floor of the dock.

“DAD!! Please!!!”

I was so tired.  My arms were aching, my bruises from previous falls pounded, my face was flushed and hot.  I felt the tears coming.  He didn’t even have to pull.  If only he would make the effort to come over it would give me the energy and strength I needed.

“DAD!”  I screamed, “Please!! Just meet me half way!”

I saw his brows knit together in subdued pain.  He twitched, but he did not move.    I saw his face relax, his eyes grow distant, then he turned away.

“Dad…” Weaker this time.  I saw a flicker of pain in his eyes, then his face was lifeless again.  I gave up and let go.  “Just meet me halfway” was the last words in my head when I woke up.

Why did I have this dream now?  I spoke to my father the second day we moved down here.  Then I remembered I called him.  I called him the month before.  Before that I hadn’t spoken to him in a year and at that time, I made the call.  I visited him on the way to the Florida Keys for my honeymoon with my new husband in 2007.  He seemed very unhappy with his fourth wife.

I was eight when my father left our family the night we moved into a new house in a new state.  I had just turned eight, my sister was six and my brother was not even two.    He came to visit us once a week for the first couple of months.  As we got closer to Christmas he came around less often.  My mother was emotional, she was bitter and she was broke.  She would bring boxes of food home from Catholic Social Services.  I became acquainted with Spam, powdered milk and two meals a day.  Lunch disappeared.  

Me, my sister and my baby brother in 1975 - My first Year after Finding God


That first Christmas was horrible.  I had an infection and the antibiotics the doctor gave me caused ulcers all through my mouth.  I couldn’t eat.   My father had not even contacted us.  I hated the Christmas tree my mom’s mother gave us, the ugly aluminum tree (that’s another story) and I spent a lot of time in the dark living room by myself at night in the rocking chair, listening to music on the 8-tracks and letting the tears just flow.  I didn’t even care if I had presents.  I just wanted my dad back.  I wanted the ranch house in the woods back.  I wanted our dogs back and the days of helping my parents train the dogs and teaching my baby sister to catch fireflies without smashing them and playing ‘Humpty-Dumpty” on the old tree stump down the hill from the house.  I missed the dogs barking through the woods.  I missed my childhood. 

Christmas day, my father shows up at the house with presents.  He never gets inside the door.  My sister and I went rushing to the door to see him and my mother yells and shoves us back.  Blocking our view of him with her body, she wedges herself between the door and the frame.  I felt the blood drain from my face as I stand there with my sister, holding her hand as my mother yells at my father something about child support and him not deserving to see us.  She tells us to go to the living room.  I was numb.  I was beyond crying. 

 I could hear my father ask if he could at least give us the presents.  I heard the door shut. 

My mother comes in with an armload of gifts and she gives them to us.  Dad was gone.  I did not see him again until I was eleven years old and he heard about my surgery.  I woke up to my mom’s mother and my father yelling at each other over my bed.  Morphine took that sting away.  I didn’t see him again until I was seventeen.  I didn’t find out until I had my own children that my father watched us open those presents that first Christmas without him, through the living room window.

This dream I had brought all this back.  All of it.  It also made me think of Michael and his relationship with his father.  Why didn’t he meet Michael halfway?  Did he eventually?  I wondered.

Michael’s relationship with his children was a lot different than that with his own father because of his childhood.  My relationship with my children is a lot different than that with both my parents because of my childhood.  

 My Two Boys, Pee-Wee Football


Christmas 2008


I am still fighting that battle with my father.  But I realized as in that dream, I have also given up.  I still talk to him, but there is no relationship.  It’s like checking up on an acquaintance that used to be a friend.  When do you stop fighting?  It gets tiring constantly holding your hand out.  You as some point have to drop it.   It doesn’t even hurt anymore, so why did I have that dream?

I have studied Michael now for a year up to and including the relationship he has with his children.  I could be envious of that, but I’m not.  I have come to terms with why I had the childhood I had.  It was the stretch of the road I needed to travel on to arrive at the understanding I have today.  That is where God wanted me.  Besides, I know that I gave my children a much better and more secure and loving childhood because of my own.

Michael and Prince...I love this Picture


I wanted to share a story that many of you may not have heard about Michael and his children.  I picked this up from a message on facebook and I fell in love with it:

***When Michael was in London in 2005, Paris saw a whole row of balloons in the lobby of a hotel, she wanted one and hotel staff ran around, trying to find scissors to cut her one, Michael stopped them & said to Paris "I'm sorry Paris, you cannot have one, they are not here for us, they're for charity. I love you but just because you are my daughter does not mean you can have what you like." She cried and hotel staff went to get a balloon, Michael said "She is my kid, I've told her no, she needs to understand."***

Michael with Prince and Paris


Here are some more quotes from Michael about fatherhood and children:
"When I became a father, my whole sense of God and the Sabbath was redefined. When I look into the eyes of my son, Prince, and daughter, Paris, I see miracles and I see beauty. Every single day becomes the Sabbath. Having children allows me to enter this magical and holy world every moment of every day. I see God through my children. I speak to God through my children. I am humbled for the blessings He has given me.

There have been times in my life when I, like everyone, has had to wonder about God's existence. When Prince smiles, when Paris giggles, I have no doubts. Children are God's gift to us. No--they are more than that--they are the very form of God's energy and creativity and love. He is to be found in their innocence, experienced in their playfulness." From: My Childhood, My Sabbath, My Freedom
What I wanted more than anything was to be ordinary. The Sabbath was when I could be.

http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/2000/12/My-Childhood-My-Sabbath-My-Freed...

Everyone who knows me will know the truth which is that my children come first in my life and that I would never harm any child.
Michael Jackson


When I see children, I see the face of God. That's why I love them so much. That's what I see. Michael Jackson

Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
H have you seen my childhood?
Michael Jackson


My father was a management genius. But what I really wanted was a dad.
Michael Jackson


Our parents taught us to always be respectful and, no matter what you do, to give it everything you have. Be the best, not the second best.
Michael Jackson


I'd slit my wrists rather than hurt a child. I could never do that. No-one will ever know how much these wicked rumours have hurt me.
Michael Jackson
Daily Mirror interview 1999.


If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt.
with. Michael Jackson

I just wish I could understand my father. - Michael Jackson

There were times when I had great times with my brothers, pillow fights and things, but I was, used to always cry from loneliness. Michael Jackson Of his childhood.

Because parents have power over children. They feel they have to do what their parents say. But the love of money is the root of all evil. And this is a sweet child. And to see him turn like this, this isn't him. This is not him.  Michael Jackson

I'm trying to imitate Jesus in the fact that he said to be like children, to love children, to be as pure as children and to make yourself as innocent and to see the world through eyes of wonderment and the whole magical quality of it all. Michael Jackson

Children show me in their playful smiles the divine in everyone. This simple goodness shines straight from their hearts and only asks to be lived. Michael Jackson

Everything that I love is behind those gates. We have elephants, and giraffes, and crocodiles, and every kind of tigers and lions. And - and we have bus loads of kids, who don't get to see those things. They come up sick children, and enjoy it.  Michael Jackson

The greatest education in the world is watching the masters at work. Michael Jackson

They did it to try and belittle me, to try and to take away my pride. But I went through the whole system with them. And at the end, I - I wanted the public to know that I was okay, even though I was hurting.
Michael Jackson
On being taken into police station in handcuffs to have mug shot taken on child molestation charges, CBS 60 Minutes interview 2003

I trusted Martin Bashir to come into my life and that of my family because I wanted the truth to be told. Martin Bashir persuaded me to trust him that his would be an honest and fair portrayal of my life and told me that he was the man that turned Diana's life around. I am surprised that a professional journalist would compromise his integrity by deceiving me in this way. Today I feel more betrayed than perhaps ever before; that someone, who had got to know my children, my staff and me, whom I let into my heart and told the truth, could then sacrifice the trust I placed in him and produce this terrible and unfair programme. Everyone who knows me will know the truth which is that my children come first in my life and that I would never harm any child. I also want to thank my fans around the world for the overwhelming number of messages of support that I have received, particularly from Great Britain, where people have e-mailed me and said how appalled they were by the Bashir film. Their love and support has touched me greatly.  Michael Jackson
On British TV documentary by Martin Bashir, broadcast February 3, 2003.

Michael and Blanket


This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my husband, who has been beyond patient with me, this blog and the whole Michael Mission.  I am thankful for my children, who have shown me beyond a shadow of a doubt that love grows, multiplies and reproduces exponentially the blessing from God.  I am thankful that despite some explosive emotions, my mother and father have both become calmer people.  Their hearts are still closed and paranoid, but I will continue to pray for God to work on that as he has worked on me.

I thank Michael for giving not only his children, but children all over the world a view of the unconditional love that few of them will find outside the Bible.

I thank God for giving me the lesson in love that brought someone who was a previous stranger into my heart and opened me up to make me care again.

Happy Thanksgiving.  I wish all of you the feeling I have in my heart right now.  

Michael, Children, God and Love bonding them all

36 comments:

  1. Bonnie, It was heart rending to read the story of your childhood. I am glad ur happy now

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  2. Thank you for sharing such a soul-piercing experience. My heart weeps when I think about the woundedness caused by the absence or loss of a parent when a child is young.

    I do not have children but I was a typical "daddy's girl" growing up and I now serve as an auntie, "other mother", and therapist (my profession), to many. I have dedicated my life to serving adolescents who have experienced parental divorce, abandonment and disempowerment. I am thankful for my life's work.

    I was blessed to have had a loving and attentive father (and mother), and while I'm not particularly feeling all that joyful this Thanksgiving, you remind me of how grateful I am for my parents and for other parents like you and Michael who have turned childhood pain into selflessness by giving so much to your own children. We all have our cross to bear in this life...

    In many ways, Michael reminds me of my father. He was a gifted and beloved member of our community and the brilliant light from his heart shown brightly everywhere he went, although he was incredibly humble and selfless.
    He was my best friend and very busy and sought after by others but he always had quality time for me.
    My father passed over 20 years ago and I still feel the pangs of that loss.

    I love Michael's speech at Oxford (Heal The Kids), that included his Bill of Rights for Children, which I'll post to go with the thoughts and prayers I have for children this Thanksgiving.

    It breaks my heart into little pieces to hear Michael speak of the one time - the only time he can remember when he was a child where his father reached out his hand to help him by assisting him on a horse. I thought of this in reading about the dream you had. It is God's grace and the power of the Holy Spirit that Michael forgave his father, which he speaks of so touchingly in that speech. The power of forgiveness is freedom.

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  3. Children's Universal Bill of Rights by Michael Jackson (Heal the Kids Speech at Oxford, March 2001)

    The right to be loved, without having to earn it

    The right to be protected, without having to deserve it

    The right to feel valuable, even if you came into the world with nothing

    The right to be listened to without having to be interesting

    The right to be read a bedtime story without having to compete with the evening news

    The right to an education without having to dodge bullets at school

    The right to be thought of as adorable (even if you have a face that only a mother could love).

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  4. Thank you Bonnie for sharing so much of yourself on this lovely blog and for your prayers and heartfelt wishes.

    There is so much in your personal family history which I can relate to so it was very special to me. You see, I knew the abandonment of both parents at age four - then they returned years later when they took us out of the institution only to send us back a few years later. Alcohol addiction and work instability caused this chaos and neglect and so much pain and sadness.

    As I look back now as an adult, like you I am able to come to terms with God's will for my journey even though the pain and sadness has been hard to endure. But sadly, as you say yourself, we only want a childhood when we are children and that's exactly why I could understand why Michael grieved his childhood.

    I want to thank you so much for helping me feel less isolated through your sharing Bonnie and truly hope that you are having a blessed Thanksgiving.

    Karin

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  5. Wow! I was very moved by your dream and your account of your dad. There is much depth, sadness and strength in your story. You shared how at times you thought you would give up but you never did. That's your strength. Never loose that. Thanks for sharing such a personal account.

    Also, thanks for sharing the story about Michael, Paris and the balloons. Such an important lesson for a young child to learn and taught with tenderness. God bless you Michael. I know that Prince, Paris and Blanket have so much to be thankful for today. They miss their dad immensely but they each will always have priceless memories of their father. They will always be thankful for those memories and the lessons he taught them with love and tenderness.

    Excellent choice of images!! Each and everyone!!

    Many blessings of thanks to you this Thanksgiving Bonnie!!!

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  6. Dear Bonnie, I read your story and I am moved. And when you say:
    "I have studied Michael now for a year up to and including the relationship he has with his children. I could be envious of that, but I’m not. I have come to terms with why I had the childhood I had. It was the stretch of the road I needed to travel on to arrive at the understanding I have today. That is where God wanted me. Besides, I know that I gave my children a much better and more secure and loving childhood because of my own."
    I understand you, because I feel the same thing.
    One day your children will understand.....
    I love you Bonnie
    God bless you!

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  7. To Bonnie
    Just this from me:

    Harrowing was yours & your siblings's sad Xmas Day story. Being forbidden to hug a Dad bringing Xmas gifts is heartbreaking to any kid as highly as a mother suffers from a divorce. Unfortunately, kids always pay the highest emotional price in such difficult situations.

    But God blessed you in many ways :

    You are a beautidul lady (an Irish touch of Maureen O'Hara? smile; you have 2 lovely sons & a no less lovely, understanding & smart husband; & not least, your spirituality & faith developed over the years.

    Thank you also for sharing the endearing Michael's quotes reflecting his innate intelligence & sensivity. What a children educator! Let's hope God will put His own Hand on Justice & dig up once those criminals who still believe they will remain unpunished.

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  8. Dear Bonnie, just like Michael, you are courageous in sharing some of your life's pain, and that is both liberating and cathartic to know that we share so much of the same childhood experiences. I began to relive some of my own past while reading yours! When you wrote about sitting in the dark listening to 8-track tapes and crying - OMG...I did the same thing, right down the rocking chair! I'd shut myself in my room with those big old stereo headphones, in an old rocker we found in basement storage! I'd just close my eyes and listen to sad songs and cry. Long before therapy was in vogue, instinct tells us when we need to release pain, and crying was the only way. Our Michael admitted he cried often in the dark from loneliness. If only he could have known us, he would have seen he was never alone!

    I was already in my early 20's active in a fashion career before television, and still had problems with loneliness. Karen Carpenter's "Merry Christmas Darling" made me think of childhood holidays, wishing I could have had a father who cherished his little princess. But like so many innocent children, we were cheated of that.

    You can spend your entire life never knowing if you will ever turn the corner and leave pain behind - until another kind of love opens and heals the heart. For me, it was the love I discovered for Michael, and seeing how one so beautiful in spirit and good deeds could channel his own brutal memories of childhood into a positive message.

    The last seventeen months has been a life changing period of personal discovery and awareness of what my heart was always capable of feeling. Michael opened up his soul at the risk of being hurt, and saw that we embraced his suffering as our own. To me, that is the birth of unconditional love. Despite a lifetime of betrayal, Michael continued to "trust" in the power of love. And while he met more than his share of evil along the way, just as we did, Bonnie, he was also rewarded with our love and acceptance.

    My continued comments are in Part 2 because it was too long, so I hope you can post them together :-)

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  9. PY said, "[Bonnie], you remind me of how grateful I am for my parents and for other parents like you and Michael who have turned childhood pain into selflessness by giving so much to your own children."

    Well said.

    Blessings to all today on Thanksgiving!...:-)

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  10. PART 2 -

    My father passed away eight years ago on June 20, 2002 and was buried on the same day of Michael's passing (25th). The date of June 25th is forever significant in more ways than the obvious. I had taken my father's death very hard, despite our estrangement since 1974, having last seen him when I was 19. I was seeing a grief counselor for years because I couldn't cope alone, and cried often and excessively during those years. I had to take a low dose anti-anxiety med (Lexapro) to help manage my stress.

    When I heard the news about Michael that horrible day, something snapped inside. I was at work and ran to my car and had the worst breakdown since my father's death seven years earlier. It was so bad that I was hyperventilating and rocking back and forth in the driver's seat trying to regain composure. One of the police officers in the borough parking lot spotted me and asked me if I was OK. I nodded yes just so he would walk away.

    I didn't know why I felt that way, since I only knew Michael through his most recognizable music over the years, one fleeting wave in L.A. before going into a store back in 1987-88, but nothing deeper than that. Or so I thought...my soul knew better.

    I got home that night, and I felt the weight of my seven years of grief over my father's death suddenly wane, and all my energy was focused on finding out who Michael was, and why I felt so connected to him. The oddest thing happened. I was so distracted "that day" that I completely forgot to take my medication. A whole WEEK passed without thinking about it. By that time I was embedded in research on Michael's life and more devastated each day over his death.

    I finally checked the refill date only to find the vial was EMPTY. It turns out that I had taken my last dose the day before Michael died, June 24th. The label said "No More Refills After June 25th!" My heart started pounding, but somehow I knew it was a "sign" that I did not need the medication any longer. That was in the past, because my father was in the past! And nothing will ever change that part of my life. I found a way to forgive him for the father he never was, but the "mourning" period was now over.

    Despite the pain and sorrow of what losing Michael has done to me, I am not trying to fight it, as I fought to repel the pain my father caused me. Rather, I have SURRENDERED to it, because embracing one's pain is the ultimate form of expressing love. Without being able to see, touch or embrace Michael, my heart is full of the pain that his soul bared to us. And the love we feel for him can only be measured by the intensity of pain we feel for his loss. My father's lack of love and protection closed my heart, whereas Michael's pain and his goodness opened my heart and unlocked the chains.

    I am forever grateful - to you, my sweet Michael, and to you, dear Bonnie, for your very special friendship. I love you both so very, very much!

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  11. I wanted to share this video of Liz Taylor's comments regarding Michael as he receives an NAACP Award. Very touching. Very heartfelt.

    Source:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBHjqy82EK4&feature=player_embedded

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  12. Bonnie, I kept my fingers crossed today that I would find a tribute video to Michael using "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" by the Platters. Well, someone out there felt as I do. This is for you...and all our friends here whose hearts are forever in Michael's hands.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ie8MSivuGx0

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  13. Bonnie, those photos of you and your sister and brother are so cute! Remember how Michael used to hold meetings and insist everyone bring their baby photo or he sent them home? Well, here's my contribution to this blog - age 3-1/2, taken in August 1958. See the look of wonder on my face? I must have been happy about something that day. Of course, a little angel was about to be born in Gary, Indiana! ♥

    file:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/Micheline/My%20Documents/Micheline-Brighton/Micheline%203yrs.jpg

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  14. Malcy - God bless you and thank you. Yes I am happy. I've been very blessed both by the past and the present. ♥
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    PY - You have been so generous to share your childhood experiences and upbringing with us. My husband also had a very happy and secure childhood. I fell in love with him because of his childhood stories. I remember sitting on the porch outside during one trip he made to Pennsylvania to camp with our families. We stayed up until 3am over hot cups of tea ( one after the other). I couldn't get enough :o)

    We are going to have to have a blog devoted to everyone sharing something special about their childhood. :o)

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  15. PY - I love Michael's Oxford AND his Carnegie speech. That was another day of crying listening to both of those for the first time (in one day! Talk about asking for it!) His children's bill of rights is loving. Have you seen the U.N.'s version of the bill of rights? It's horrible. Specifically designed to separate parent from child.
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    Karen - your childhood sounds like my grandmother's (orphanages and foster homes even though both parents were alive). I arms go out to you and look at you! You have turned into such a loving person♥ My mother, even though she's the least nurturing person I know, was a fighter and she brought us through it despite her emotional outbursts (temper!!!) I wish I could do something about the bitterness though. My mother was never a hugger, never one to openly express emotion which made me that way. That is one of the biggest things about me that has changed in the past year and half. Yes, I blame Michael. But he made me realize just how strong a person is that can express and share their emotions. Thank you Michael.

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  16. Karin - That was supposed to be MY arms go out to you, not I ARMS, LOL . . . and I spelled your name wrong. I'm sorry. :o(
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    SandyK - You are welcome. I dont' know why but talking about my father is more painful then talking about my mother. Both of them are emotionally distant, both of them harbor bitterness but I guess my mother raising me made me understand her more and where it comes from. I suffered abuse for the two weeks my sister and I stayed with my father at his mother's house the summer before the separation and the move into the new house. I think to myself if my father had to grow up like that (his mother was sadistic. She should have never had children), I think to myself, where do these people come from? My father when he was still around never, EVER hit me or treated me like that. There was one time after the dogs were shot where he lost it but that was the only time. His mother? I think that is what did me in as a child, right there. Even thinking about her I get this dread pulling my stomach down. I was a different child after those two weeks.

    I should understand my father just because of how his mother was. I don't know. I've never been able to talk to him about what his mother did when he was at work. He just doted on her.

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  17. I will catch up on these later....Turkey sedation is setting in and we have an early day tomorrow.

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  18. Bonnie – Thank you for this heartfelt post. I was so amazed how your dream is so vivid and you remember everything when you woke up. I don’t remember most of my dreams when I wake up, and I don’t even dream always even though it is said we all dream every day.

    I don’t know why you couldn’t crate the relationship you desire with your father, and I don’t know if your dream means “given up”, but I know for sure if you continue forgiving and letting go of what he has done and continue showing him your undying love despite what happened, eventually LOVE will win and you will have the relationship you desire with your father.

    I know how it feels growing up with one parent. I myself grew up with my father not knowing mother until this day. My parents got divorced when I was two years old. My mother never attempted not for one day to come and see me and my sister at all. Can you imagine growing up without a mother’s love? Michael said in his book “Moon Walk” when he talked about his mother, “I can’t imagine growing up without a mother’s love.” When the day I read that, I was really touched and saw the truth of what he said in his statement and felt the pain I went through without the love of my mother.

    I believe Michael and his father made it up and he understood and forgave his father at the end. I truly understand why Jo did what he did in the generation he came from and the life situation him and his family were in. Even though he was rough in discipline his children, he was standing by them and continuously supporting them and brought them up to be the most magnificent children without abandon his family. I admire him so much. Many Michael’s fans have issue with him. I think they fail to see how he contributed to his children success. I give him applaud for sticking with his family from thick and thin. He is my hero; first he brought the most loving and caring child, Michael, to this world. Second, he groomed and geared him, of course with the mother’s help, to be one of the most successful and loving man that ever walked this planet and I thank him for that.

    Yes, he was rough in his approach in raising Michael, but I know in my heart that he loved him so much, and we witness his love in all his interviews he did defending him.

    Michael taking different approach raising his children was amazing. That shows his determination to be different than his father’s way of upbringing children. The same with you, Bonnie, and admire you for being different than your father raising your children. Most of the time parents follow their parent’s footsteps in raising children, and sometimes in turn out to be disaster and going in circle. I am glad you and Michael took different approach.

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  19. Hi Bonnie,

    I hope you enjoyed Thanksgiving in your new home. Yes, the UN's version of the bill of rights is not good when it comes to the unification of families. Thanks for reminding me about the Carnegie speech. I've only watched it once and dont' remember it as clearly so I'll watch again.

    I have a question (sorry, I don't know where to post questions that are about something different from most recent blog entry. )

    Have you seen the news reports today that Joe Jackson is currently in Brazil with Leonard Rowe promoting Rowe's book? And, that Jackson is blaming Sony for Michael's death? Interesting timing of this "book tour" abroad.
    I once put together a full compilation of excerpts from that book. I will read your previous blog entries on the subject. You have a very comprehensive list of entries.
    I'm still reading your posts on Sony.

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  20. Bonnie, thanks for the hug. No problems with the name thing - I've become accustomed to it. My boss still spells it wrong sometimes after many years lol.

    Your father's mother sounds like some of the nuns who looked after me in the orphanage I was in. Back then children weren't protected from adults full of rage, bitterness and undiagnosed mental illness. Sadly, my mother never outgrew her bitterness towards her children for being born and still remains the same to this day.

    I am not sure what the cause was, but it's not uncommon for parents from our generation to have been permanently affected by such life bitterness and the children around them were easy targets for their frustrations with life. That's why I admire Michael so much - he also endured abuse and unbelievable burdens of responsibility during his childhood but he transformed the pain into a positive and opposite energy. He devoted his life to helping the helpless.

    I love him dearly for his beautiful heart and his Oxford Speech was truly inspiring, especially for anybody who needed to work on forgiveness issues.

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  21. daniela said -"I understand you, because I feel the same thing. One day your children will understand....."

    >>> I love you too Daniela. My children are both grown now (they think they are but will always be my babies.) One is 21 and the other is 24. I was a young military wife so I didn't wait until my 30's to have them. Best days of my life to bring those little squirming bundles of love and trust home with me. I can still feel the softness of their feet on my lips after their baths and the smell of baby powder. They do understand and I had no idea how much talking they did about me until I learned the my youngest's girlfriend insists on seeing me every time I go to see him. I was taken aback because I was unprepared. She grew up without her mom and I think that is part of it too.

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  22. LineCH said - "What a children educator! Let's hope God will put His own Hand on Justice & dig up once those criminals who still believe they will remain unpunished. "

    >>>> In a perfect world, Michael would be teaching teachers who teach children. I also trust God on the justice and those of you who have not read this: http://michaelsguardian.blogspot.com/2010/01/end-of-july-2009-awakening.html And this: http://michaelsguardian.blogspot.com/2010/01/that-night-in-august-kiss.html

    This is why I have no doubt that justice will be served. We see so many things that the press shoves in our faces and very little of it is the truth. It is meant to distract you. It is meant to steer you AWAY from the truth. I use the very same sources, but ultimately you have to go back to the source for the truth. And that is Michael in this situation. Michael's family is the next closest thing out from the nucleus of Michael. Quotes in news sources are no longer good enough, but they are on here, recorded so that when the truth is revealed, so will be the liars.

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  23. Spotlight said - "The last seventeen months has been a life changing period of personal discovery and awareness of what my heart was always capable of feeling. Michael opened up his soul at the risk of being hurt, and saw that we embraced his suffering as our own. To me, that is the birth of unconditional love."

    >>>> The first time seeing the 60 minutes interview and hearing "Stranger in Moscow" that fateful day is when I found myself asking God to give me that man's pain. You are right. That is when the epiphany hit me and my jaw hit my desk with tears streaming down my face. That was unconditional love. That is what I had been looking for all my life and how exquisite that I discover it while giving it to someone else I never met without realizing it until my heart opened to do that. I could not contain the tears for the rest of the day.

    I thought about Jesus and if that is what he felt when he knew and accepted that he was going to die for us.

    Then, Spotlight, you move on in thought to realize that it is not just Michael, but so many others out there that are looking for unconditional love and will die not ever having seen an example of it. The weight of that burden is so overwhelming. You feel EVERYONE OF THEM and you can't help but cry and pray for them.

    It is some kind of pain to see someone as close to God as Michael was, end the way he did. I cannot accept that. There is more to this story and it will not be just his musical legacy that will live on.

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  24. Sandy and Spotlight - Thank you for the posting of the videos. Both of them brought tears to my eyes. ♥♥♥
    -------------------------------------------------

    Spotlight said "Bonnie, those photos of you and your sister and brother are so cute! Remember how Michael used to hold meetings and insist everyone bring their baby photo or he sent them home? Well, here's my contribution to this blog - age 3-1/2, taken in August 1958. See the look of wonder on my face? "

    >>>AWWWW1!!! I saw a picture of you cuteness you had sent to me before . . . Miss Cheeks!!! LOL!

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  25. I've posted these Michael quotes before but wanted to include them again:

    “In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope. In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort. In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream. And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe.” -Michael Jackson

    "But I will never stop helping and loving people the way Jesus said to." -Michael Jackson

    I'm thankful for family, friends, good health and I'm thankful for you Michael, and for you Bonnie!!!

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  26. Bonnie said - "I thought about Jesus and if that is what he felt when he knew and accepted that he was going to die for us."

    >>>All I can think of right now is how Michael opened his arms wide and embraced us all with his love, and gift wrapped it with the sparkle and beauty of what we now must cling to with our very souls. The immortality of his Magic, and the magic of his Immortality. Bonnie, there has to be more to the story. I am not ready for the end of sunlight.

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  27. Bonnie, Thank You for taking the time writing this very personal and touching blog. Thank You for sharing and Thank You for re visiting and re posting of Michael's Lovely Words which really express who he is. Thank You Michael for Sharing with Us ALL of you did and Thank You for just being YOU.. Your Fans will always LOVE YOU MORE!

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  28. Dear Bonnie,

    Thank you for sharing your memories. Today I opened my heart and received my healing that had been awaitng me for so long. Amen.

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  29. Bonnie said:

    "I thought about Jesus and if that is what he felt when he knew and accepted that he was going to die for us.

    Then, Spotlight, you move on in thought to realize that it is not just Michael, but so many others out there that are looking for unconditional love and will die not ever having seen an example of it. The weight of that burden is so overwhelming. You feel EVERYONE OF THEM and you can't help but cry and pray for them.

    It is some kind of pain to see someone as close to God as Michael was, end the way he did. I cannot accept that. There is more to this story and it will not be just his musical legacy that will live on".

    I have often wondered to myself if Michael felt complete unconditional love and understanding from his mother and also Elizabeth Taylor. I think these two ladies in his life both loved him dearly and understood him but was he able to completely feel it?

    His life was a testimony though of practising true Christian virtues. He looked to Ghandi and Nelson Mandella and Mother Theresa as his contemporary role models. Yes, he was human with human flaws and issues but he never ceased to follow Christ's example of loving human beings and working at forgiveness and gave a leg up to so many in need. Because of his own life experience, he totally got it that our childhood pain and trauma has the capacity to influence our adult lives in a positive or negative way and that's where he concentrated his energies the most - on helping suffering and vulnerable children.

    There are a lot of people on this planet who forget the simplicity of the message of Jesus but I think Michael understood the golden rule totally because he did his absolute best to live and breathe it.

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  30. Mimi said - "I believe Michael and his father made it up and he understood and forgave his father at the end. I truly understand why Jo did what he did in the generation he came from and the life situation him and his family were in."

    I believe this too and I heard it during his Carnegie speech. I read your story above and no, I can't imagine it either. I can imagine you listening to Michael in tears when he said that. I can feel you.

    My mother was not the nurturing sort, but she wouldn't have fought so hard for our survival if she didn't love us. She just didn't know how to say it. She wasn't a hugger and I was more likely to hear "Oh, knock it off or I'll give you something to cry about" before I heard "I love you" or "I'm sorry". But she fought for us. I just wish sometimes she hadn't fought my father.
    ----------------------------------------------
    PY said - "Have you seen the news reports today that Joe Jackson is currently in Brazil with Leonard Rowe promoting Rowe's book? And, that Jackson is blaming Sony for Michael's death? "

    No I have not seen these reports. Do you have any links? I have seen other reports on Chasen and some things going on with Taymoor Marmarchi. I've had company so have not been able to spend a lot of time on here since Thursday.

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  31. Karin said - "I love him dearly for his beautiful heart and his Oxford Speech was truly inspiring, especially for anybody who needed to work on forgiveness issues. "

    >>>> Children are targets for more than just bitter parents nowadays. It is scary everything that is targeting them now. That is why Michael was here for them. I love his heart too.
    ---------------------------------------------

    @SandyK and Jenn - I am VERY thankful for the blessing of all the sharing of hearts on this blog, for you SandyK because you have such a tender heart and Jenn, who's been hurt so much recently I am sorry. You will hear more about that shortly, I am sure. I am very Thankful for Michael bringing you here and for God bringing him here.
    ----------------------------------------------

    @Spotlight - That is a beautiful sentiment. This whole story will I believe, resemble that ugly Christmas tree story I told last year. We have to endure a short time something ugly for something beautiful to come of it.
    ----------------------------------------------

    @ Marvelousmary - Does that mean what I think it means? Mary God Bless you and a big hug for you! Legacy of Love just came on the T.V. (a song) No coincedence ♥
    ----------------------------------------------

    @ Karen - I love what you said. I do believe Michael felt unconditional love, but in GIVING IT because that the only way you can feel it. He saw examples of it through those people you mentioned and he did his very best to follow Jesus's example. I believed it existed through Jesus, but never really saw a live example of it except through animals and children. Michael was the first adult I saw actually live the example. Tore me right down to the bone and that is what needed to be done. So much about Jesus love makes sense to me and if that is what Michael meant when he said he thought he hadn't yet scratched the surface of his true purpose here . . . there are many more out there like me who went through the same thing with him.

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  32. (((Bonnie!))) Thank you for inviting us into your heart. Love you Bonnie.

    Thank you to (((all))) who shared their sad childhoods here. I couldn't help but be reading through tears. I don't know what else to say...

    I grew up seeing my dad only a handful of times. The most I ever saw him is when I was 21 and he was dying in a nursing home, I was there every single day for many weeks until he died. So, to a lesser degree I too know what it's like to be the one holding out my hand when there is no one there willing to grab on. It wasn't until my 30s that the emptiness of growing up without a father hit me. But as you said Bonnie, it makes us what we are today and I am thankful for the hardships and a mother who brought us through with her strength and determination even though there were few hugs and "I love you"s. I too learned from my childhood and broke the cycle with my own children. There are LOTS of "I love you"s and hugs...always has been.

    I've known since I can remember that it starts with children and prevention. This world is in such dire need of Michael's mission!

    We love you Michael and we miss you. But, not half as much as your own children, mother and family do. We are praying for all of you strength and protection.

    I hope everyone had a blessed Thanksgiving.

    Love and peace...

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  33. (((((Truth)))))!! I had no idea you went through flooding! Is that what happened to you? Northwest? What a horrible way to spend Thanksgiving! I am so sorry! I feel guilty it was 70 degrees where I live.

    That is sad reading about your own father. There are times I try to talk to my father about God when I do talk to him. He makes a joke about it to avoid any serious talk. That's what he does to avoid anything that is serious. It would be a gift if it wasn't used as a scapegoat. He has a soft heart . . . on the inside but boy is it hard to bore into that wall around it! Both my parents! Did you and your father ever get to really talk?

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  35. cont...

    Yah...my dad, but it's all I knew as a kid, not having one. I know he visited a few times and I visited him too. For one visit I remember being alone, eating grapes on the train. Was I alone or was that my perception? I only have flashes of memory, which are mostly objects and places I associate with him rather than him. Strange, huh? He once gave me a stuffed skunk with sparkly silver eyes. I treasured it. My mom must have done a clear out when I got older because it disappeared along with other toys she must have thought I had no use for. I'm now a packrat and find it hard to let go emotionally too. I think I know why! But I haven't gotten very far in conquering it.

    My parents divorced when I was about 1 1/2 years old, I was the youngest. No, I don't recall ever having a conversation with my dad. I was a really really shy child, especially of males. I think of myself as growing up in a corner watching the world go by. I am good at observing and learned a lot about generational family dynamics, for one. It all began to come together in my late 30s/early 40s. Anyway, I hadn't seen my dad for many years before he got sick and died. I'm thinking maybe since I was about 12. My mom was not one to turn us against my dad but she would speak the truth and amazingly objectively for the most part. I mostly got to know about him through her, many years after he died, because I asked.

    Your story is so terribly sad to me (((Bonnie))). Oh no...eyes flooding now. It's such hard and time-consuming work trying to bore through that wall. Your dad being unable or without desire to break through to reveal himself would upset me no end. It's HIS wall, not your wall. I don't mean to be disrespectful but what adults put children through is so heartbreaking. That child remains inside of us. If only this world put the proper importance on a safe, secure and nurtured childhood it would sure be a better place.

    And so I shall end on a happy note...

    Remember a comment I made awhile back suggesting an international book-burning party, a cleansing of books that betray Michael? Well, I became so disenchanted with Taraborrelli that they were ousted from my Michael collection of books months ago. His 2 hardbound books in pristine condition took up residence FLAT on the FLOOR beneath my antique glass-fronted bookcase on legs where Michael books are carefully housed....right in the path of water and mud. Hahaha...the first 2 casualties!!! Hopefully 2 elements other than fire - water and earth - is a sufficient cleansing. Those things were swollen to twice their thickness with mud, such an ugly sight! Took photos for insurance purposes then out to the curb destined for the DUMP! :oD

    Feels good, two less in circulation.

    Love...

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  36. Dear Bonnie ~ I finally got to sit in a quiet place and was able to read this blog. I want to first thank you for bringing so many valid points to the light. I was saying to a friend that you cover so much in respects to Michael, the I and others don't have the time, or for me personally the knowledge to find. I have said this before, but thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you do.

    Bonnie, without going into detail, I just want to say that I am with you, and your thoughts on all the subjects above and of course, if there is anything else I can do to help, I will.

    I appreciate you allowing us to know some important things about your childhood, and your life now. That takes a huge heart, I know this. I bare some very similar pains as you have experienced and I am also at a point in my life where I have come to recognize them for what they are and feel stronger than ever.

    God bless you,

    Love,
    Leslie

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