All Doors Are Closing
"Thou puttest my feet also in the stocks, and lookest narrowly unto all my paths; thou settest a print upon the heels of my feet."
"And the angel of the Lord went further, and stood in a narrow place, where was no way to turn either to the right hand or to the left."
"Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it."
I have a story to tell you. The events in this story took up my time between Thursday and Friday of last week. And ironically these events were foreshadowed back in 2005, in the year that I stood over the abyss, wanting to give up and let myself fall; at the moment before I broke, I asked God where he wanted me to go now.
Maybe some of you are feeling it too, or you are standing in a place where it is becoming more and more difficult to function in a world where the laws now outweigh your ability to follow them.
The eerie way this happened was a message no doubt. I was again caught between following man’s law or God’s Will.
In 2005 in the throes of a divorce, I fought to get my driver’s license transferred from Pennsylvania to Maryland. I was also fighting to get a divorce. I learned after a "roadside vehicle check" that my Pennsylvania driver’s license had been suspended because my ex hadn’t sent information to the insurance company they requested from his license to them; I had no clue because the mail concerning that was going to his house and I was not told. I just continued to drive. The insurance canceled us and Pennsylvania suspended my license, not his, because both cars were in my name.
This battle between Pennsylvania DOT and Maryland took me a full year to resolve and I still have the letter I wrote the Governor on my hard drive, because that letter accomplished everything I had tried to in that past year, in three days. But during the time I was fighting, I was let go of two jobs because I did not have proof of I.D.
Because I was let go from two jobs (both times within four weeks, after they did their background checks), I could not pay an agreed payment arrangement to the state of Pennsylvania for child support assistance overpayment. So in the midst of everything else, I was being taken to court (five hours away) and if I did not show up a warrant would be issued for my arrest.
That was the day I threw myself on the couch in the living room and contemplated never getting up again. That was the day I was pushed toward the abyss and had to make a choice between letting hate overtake me, or . . . crying my eyes out and asking God “What do you want me to do now? Where do you want me to go? We are going to church, we are praying, we are going to Bible study! We are trying to get to you and you keep kicking my legs out from under me! You tell me what I am supposed to do now, because I don’t care anymore and I am tired of fighting!”
That is the day that I felt Him. That is the day that anguish was completely drowned in a feeling I can only describe as a “movement” of healing inside of me. As I laid there crying, unable to pray any longer, a song entered my head from nowhere. I did not know who sang the song, but I had heard it before. And the lyrics that kept repeating in my head was “this is how you remind me of what I really am . . .” I later asked my son if he knew the song and he told me it was Nickelback. Look at the lyrics – someone elses struggle with God:
Never made it as a wise man
Couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealin’
Tired of living like a blind man
I’m sick inside without a sense of feeling and
This is how you remind me of what I really am
As I listened to the lyrics in my head, wondering why now this would invade my thoughts and just as my bewilderment took a backseat to the looping of the chorus, another feeling interrupted my conscience in the forefront of both of those; that was what I could best describe as a bag of warm fluid breaking somewhere deep within me, where my pain originated and began to flow from my heart through my veins, coating every raw nerve ending from my chest leisurely to my fingertips, toes and even the hair follicles on my head. But I still had to learn this:
To make an already told story short, I recognized what “withholdeth” me from leaping into the abyss. And in the coming days, the strength I would not have otherwise had, and with the help of hearts changed, every demon facing me dissolved and wrongs were righted. As I was waiting for an answer or results from my letter to the Pennsylvania Governor, there was an evening where I had to pick up my son from the high school where his evening classes for tutoring. My soon to be husband was on his way to a meeting, so I had to take the minivan to pick up my son, about eight miles up the road.
It was a relatively rural area, lots of horse farms, and on a 50 mile per hour stretch of road flanked by trees, a deer darted out in front of me. So close was she that I actually hit her before my foot hit the brakes. So hard did I hit the brakes that the back bench style seat in the minivan broke loose and hit the back of the driver’s seat, and the tool boxes in the back were wedged up under that. I totaled the van. The police came, I had no current driver’s license and by some grace of God, since no one but the deer was hurt (and how I don’t know, but the deer got up and staggered away before the police got there), I didn’t have to produce a driver’s license.
Are you dying to know just what event recently happened that his past event foreshadowed those events in 2005?
Has anyone in the last three years tried to get a driver’s license transferred to another state after a move, only to find out that if you are a woman, you have to have every document showing every last name you’ve ever had? From your birth certificate and social security card to every marriage license you’ve ever had on top of proof of your new address?
I’ve been married twice. And as a wife, twice, my marriages and their attached lives were in a different state from the other. My first husband in Delaware and after eight years there raised our kids in the northern reaches of Pennsylvania. I divorced and remarried in the State of Maryland. I had trouble as described above, trying to transfer driver I.D. from Pennsylvania to Maryland, and now from Maryland to the state I now live in, South Carolina.
The rules have changed since 2005, did you notice that? What was current when I moved to South Carolina has become expired trying to get it transferred from Maryland and you want to know why?
Because I had to re-order “official” documents with “seals” from the Delaware, Maryland and South Carolina even though Maryland HAD the records that South Carolina wanted because that is where I remarried. But back then they didn’t require but two piece of I.D. and proof of residence.
When we moved here, my husband was processed lickity-split, but I couldn’t get mine transferred because I needed the marriage certificate. My husband didn’t need it because his last name never changed. Only the women.
I went back and found that and took it in another day. “Were you ever married before?” Yes, I said. “Well we need a copy of that marriage certificate too” Why I asked. “Because we need documentation connecting you to ‘this’ last name and every name you’ve had since the name on your birth record”. Why? I asked – We have a president that runs this country without verifiable I.D.
That argument turned no ears.
After a year of searching some paperwork in boxes that were still in the garage, going back and forth and in truth not having the money I needed all at once to order all “embossed” documents that I needed, I gave up. I hadn’t been hired by any of the jobs I had applied for in the first year I was down here and I was resigned to the possibility that here is where God wanted me – out of the system at least in some capacity.
When my mother moved in, she had to go through the same thing. We are still going through it. Aside from struggling with the right and wrong of having to pay and pay for information that has already been verified in a previous state where you hold a current driver’s license or I.D., you are faced with the question “when is enough, enough?”
On our trip up this past Thursday back to S.C.D.O.T. I decided to try it again. I had all the info I needed. My mother THOUGHT she had all she needed. Her driver’s license was still current as she only moved a couple of months ago from Tennessee. I however now had an expired license. You’re going to love this one…
After my mother learned that she would not be given a driver’s license because the documentation she had wasn’t current enough (even though they had court house seals on the marriage licenses and divorce decree), I was next and I could not find my birth certificate. We left to drive over to the court house to at least get my mother’s car registered. After driving four miles to another part of the town, we learned that she couldn’t even do that because she didn’t have a title or lean for a mortgage, she didn’t have a utility bill in her name and she didn’t have a South Carolina employer. None of her other mail would do. And since she lived with me and I didn’t have a “current” driver’s license, she would either have to wait until my husband could take time off of work to come in and sign a document for her, or wait until I could straighten my license out.
On our way back home I remembered I had still had a copy of my old birth certificate – the ORIGINAL from back in (the day) in a concealed section of my wallet. I pulled over to see if it had a seal and I would go back to DOT and try to use that. I opened the wallet section up and when I pulled it out (it was in four pieces where the folds had worn away) right against it was the newer birth certificate I had ordered.
I had told my mother that “maybe God is trying to tell us something and he is squeezing us out of the system?” But when I found this, I was elated and drove BACK to DOT.
I get into DOT and the same lady behind the front counter was there. I gleefully tell her that I found the birth certificate and had all my other “stuff”. I hand it to her. She says “okay, you have this saying this, you have this saying this . . . they have your name spelled wrong on the marriage certificate.”
She shows me, and on the one document that I had all along, the last name I had changed from my previous husband’s was spelled wrong by just the first letter. No reason, no explanation. On every other document I had from bank statements to the social security card, they are spelled correctly. I even had a photo copy of the previous driver’s license I had with the CORRECT previous last name. Wasn’t good enough. I was told I had to “order” a “new” marriage certificate with the “corrected” previous last name even though it was more than obvious that it was a misspelling and it was NOT my fault.
How in the world was I going to tell Maryland over the phone, that they made a mistake? How do you prove you were NOT that last name on a document that was issued more than five years ago – BEFORE the rules even changed?
In the car, you could slice the atmosphere of my mood with a knife. Seriously? I mean . . . SERIOUSLY??? That’s all I could construct in my head. That one word.
What came out of my mouth, actually? “That’s it. That’s just it. I’m done. I’m not jumping through any more hoops. I am not spending any more money, any more gas, I’m not paying any more states for any more mistakes or any more rules they decide to make up to keep me jumping. I am done. I am now officially an illegal alien. Let ‘em take me to jail and feed me for free for a change.”
Then I was quiet. Then, I thought “Maybe God is trying to tell me something. Maybe he doesn’t WANT me in the system.”
Then I thought, “but it says in the Bible to follow the laws, at least to the best of your ability”. Then I thought “I DID follow the laws. THEY changed them, not me!”
They are making it increasingly less possible for laws to be followed. They have laws that contradict their own laws. And this too has been written in the Bible:
"For they bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers."
"And he said, Woe unto you also, ye lawyers! for ye lade men with burdens grievous to be borne, and ye yourselves touch not the burdens with one of your fingers."
I also considered this:
"And I heard another voice from heaven, saying, Come out of her, my people, that ye be not partakers of her sins, and that ye receive not of her plagues."
Is this an individual call or is the whole earth going to hear this all at the same time? Is God going to call us all at the same time to “come out of her”? John doesn’t make that clear. He only tells us that he hears a voice from heaven.
With conflicting emotions on what this all meant, I got back in the car to go to my physical therapy appointment. I turn on the radio and this is the first song that comes on, from the beginning of the song:
This time, I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances
On roads that never seem
To be the ones that bring me home
And I did get “a revelation” during the weekend. But the next morning, Friday, this is the first song I thought about.
I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings
And the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end
His Word declares this truth
That we will enter in this rest
With wonders anew, So I hold on to this hope
And the promise that he brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering
This is a beautiful song of encouragement that is written exactly for those moments.
That night, while riding with my mother back from the grocery store, I was singing a song to myself as we continued down the main road from town which is about seventeen miles from where I live. I was singing Michael Jackson’s “Speechless” to myself, just loud enough for me to hear. That is when it happened. A deer that was not visible until we were right on top of it with the headlights decided to wait until it was impossible to stop before it leapt in front of us. It happened so fast that the deer took the full 50 miles per hour hit before a foot could slam on the brake.
We thought we only clipped it because the car kept moving and we couldn’t see the deer through the back window. Because there was traffic behind us we didn’t pull over as there was no where level to do that.
When we got home the passenger side front door would not open. When we both got out we saw that the front quarter panel had been pushed back against and over the space where the door hinges were located. That and the plastic over the headlight and parking lights were casualties. The dents in the hood could be pounded out, they were small, but it looked like the front quarter panel took the brunt of the impact – correction – it was the deer that took the brunt of the impact.
My first reaction was anger – “Seriously? . . . . I mean SERIOUSLY?!!! Are you SERIOUS?!!!”
That boiled back down until we got home and I had to tell my husband that on his birthday (we had just picked up his birthday cake) he had a broken car.
After everything else we had gone through Thursday and Friday, now this. On the way home I had also thought of the irony of the same situation, different details, different year. By the time I got home, I was just numb. My husband just cried. The only vehicle we have that had working defrost and heater and our insurance did not include comp. After trying to eat dinner, which didn’t happen, I went into the bathroom and just sat on the edge of the tub in the dark. I just cried. I asked God, “Why did you do that? A deer? What was the death of that animal supposed to tell me? What purpose was that violence supposed to serve?” I bawled. I composed myself when I heard someone calling me. Saturday, my husband and I had “the conversation”.
My husband at his wits end, we discussed this whole issue. And I told him what I believed this “wall” meant – this narrowing of my path and the shutting of doors on either side of the hallway in my dream where only one door was open – the one where Christ was standing, waiting for me.
It was not a pleasant discussion. Of the subjects braised over as ultimatums were delivered, was the vows we took when we got married – and included was that God would come first in the relationship. I was told out of anger to choose. I told him I could not serve two masters between God and manna (money, the world) and that I either take this seriously or I forget every gift he gave me.
Then he brought up Michael Jackson, and he didn't believe what I was doing because of Michael. And I told him, “Well, I didn't chose Michael, God did. You don’t get the call that I did when I was a teenager and turn against it. I have shared everything I have learned with you, I have showed you in scripture, you see the same news I do. You either believe or you don’t. But I can’t turn against what I have been given because of your disbelief”.
He told me “I don’t see this as having to do with Michael Jackson. I just don’t.”
I looked at him and I said to him, “I showed you where it was in the Bible. I cannot help that you don’t see. That is between you and God.”
The hardest thing in the world to do is have someone you love tell you to make a choice between him and God. I couldn't believe he was saying the things he was saying to me, after all this. But I knew what my answer was. There was no way . . . no way I could turn and tell God no and I knew if I stood by God, he would clear the path. I didn't know what would happen, but I knew at least that.
I left the room, went into the laundry room and began folding clothes out of the dryer. Ten minutes later, my husband came into the room and wrapped his arms around me. He told me he loved me and that I was his rock and that he did believe in what I was doing. We both talked about knowing it was going to get worse, I cried, and that was our weekend.
The air in the house lifted slightly and my mother came back in the house from feeding the horses. 15 minutes after the “discussion” the phone rings. It was a friend we hadn't heard from in a long time. The conversation with him consisted of a subject matter that let us know that what just occurred in the house was a test – at least to me it did, but I couldn't help notice the raised eyebrows on my husband’s face. Especially since they are one of the few people we know outside of politics with whom I've shared the research on Michael and the Bible.
Sunday morning, I check emails and stats on the blog and I saw this in the column under “entered search keywords”
“be vigilant and do not give way to evil”, it said.
One thing I promised I would do for my husband is that I would call to see if Maryland would fix the error they made on the marriage certificate. I did that on Monday. And although they were going to make me pay for it, I refused and they relented. They are sending me a corrected official license.
Do I want to hold onto this world? No. I really do not. I know what is going to come of it. It’s not an issue of defeat, it’s not an issue of “changing the world” by “starting with me”. It is an issue of Biblical truth.
I have been given every possible chance to exercise my faith in what the Bible says is true – not through a minister, not through a Sunday school or Bible study class, but between me and the Lord through prayer and through constant searching it and reading it.
To let man come between that closeness and convince me it means something other than what I was given is spiritual suicide.
Jesus told me, face to face in a dream “keep your eyes on me and keep your faith”. In another dream he told me not the leave the path for short cuts. In another dream, all decades ago, I pulled the golden chord and I was told by the voice of God as I was lifted up into incredible light that because of my faith I had caused something to happen. I was shown heaven, I was shown what it was like and how the connection to other living things felt. I had done something but I didn’t know what it was that I had done other than face evil, and recognize it for what it was. I did not listen to the old man who had screamed at me told me I wasn’t worthy and that I wasn’t the one to pull the cord. In the dream I knew and that it wasn't of me.
I may have already done what I was supposed to do and I’m still here to help others recognize their trials when they are faced with them. I may be here for the sole purpose of exposing their plans with Michael, which have been suppressed since the writing of the book of Jude. And I still have daily failures in pleasing the Lord as I still struggle with the flesh I reside in, and its wants and needs. We will continue to have those challenges – without them we would be dead. We NEED God, and we need Christ’s influence and intercession, as he is the only one who was God in flesh and show us how it is done.
There are many people who have gone off the grid. Many to come will be among the uncounted in the world. And the closer we get to the implementation of the new system of counting the numbers, the less you will want to be part of it. That is, if you know what is good for the survival of your soul.
There are many out there fighting for you, whether you realize it or not. Many in the industry of gazingstocks who’s souls are bound to the medium that is marketed to the masses. It is designed to change and rearrange "minds and thoughts"; those used to communicate a message and overspread the message of the coming abomination, dressed in lamb’s skin. You listen to their messages in the lyrics of their songs and cling to God in your discernment of them. Test everything with scripture. Cling to and understand what the scripture of truth reveals to you – because they are not all fallen angels who left their first estate - some are children in bondage TO those who left their first estate.
The songs are to fill your soul, to distract as well or to declare truth; but they are also a battle of words communicated to entities you do not see. As one song answers the song of another you see the war in heaven has it’s swords drawn and are clashing.
God answered a prayer with everything we endured this past weekend. He answered two actually, but the other one should remain discreet.
When God squeezes the path you are on around you, or He starts closing doors on either side of the hallway, it is because He is trying to show you something. And the more faithful and obedient you are, the stronger the walls around you get. While it may be frustrating to the end of the endeavor when you "see the light", just remember that the stronger those walls are around you, keeping you on the path, the harder it will be for those stumbling blocks to be thrown into it.
Another Nickleback prayer -
Too long, too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there’s just one left
Taken out of the way
So that evil could be revealed
We will be challenged to cleave to God and let go of the world. Each of us will be individually, in congregations, and even by nations as things progress. And the separation from the world and the cleaving to God also occurred in the time of Zerubbabel, God’s servant, yes, even the singers, and “the given ones” and “those” that were “so used” by those who made merchandise of them:
"And the rest of the people, the priests, the Levites, the porters, the singers, the Nethinims, and all they that had separated themselves from the people of the lands unto the law of God, their wives, their sons, and their daughters, every one having knowledge, and having understanding;
29 They clave to their brethren, their nobles, and entered into a curse, and into an oath, to walk in God's law, which was given by Moses the servant of God, and to observe and do all the commandments of the Lord our Lord, and his judgments and his statutes;"
Do you know what the curse was? Michael was a part of it. So was Zerubbabel. And those that willing made this oath knowing what God was asking the servants of God to endure. The temple they were building was in comparison to the glory of the first house, as nothing. For this is not the temple in which the Lord was going to dwell.
"Speak now to Zerubbabel the son of Shealtiel, governor of Judah, and to Joshua the son of Josedech, the high priest, and to the residue of the people, saying, 3. Who is left among you that saw this house in her first glory? and how do ye see it now? is it not in your eyes in comparison of it as nothing?
4. Yet now be strong, O Zerubbabel, saith the Lord; and be strong, O Joshua, son of Josedech, the high priest; and be strong, all ye people of the land, saith the Lord, and work: for I am with you, saith the Lord of hosts:"
If you knew how much I cried – how much I love you, and want you to live. . .